For some extra political charge, I decided to write Presidential candidate Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report some advice for his campaign. In case you haven’t heard, Stephen Colbert announced this week on his show that he will be running for President in South Carolina alone. To help him, I laid out the people he should fill in the major positions of his campaign. This way, he can sit back and relax like Fred Thompson, but win while doing it.

Campaign manager - Michael Scott

A distant cousin of Stephen Colbert’s good friend and colleague, Steve Carell, Michael Scott has extensive experience running the Office, filled with complex emotions and responsibilities. He might not have political experience, he does have experience hunting down gays and degrading people all the while wanting them to follow him as a leader. These are the kind of qualities Colbert’s campaign needs.

Media director - Bill O’Reilly

O’Reilly may not approve of Colbert running half as a Democrat, but better the enemy you know. O’Reilly can help coach Colbert on the finer points of handling the media like telling him to always bring his own mic. That way, when Colbert goes on Russ Lieber’s radio show, he’s got a back up, just in case…

Press secretary - Samantha Bee

She beautiful, smart, and knows how to handle herself in the world of men (watch out Hillary). Bee’s career as the Daily Show’s only female correspondent shows her can work with people and the media, which is important because the press is made of people and the media. The press will believe everything she says (cause she’ll pay them too).

Policy director - Jesus

Because he’s really who gets to pick the President, right? Might as well get him on your side with a paycheck. Plus, evangelicals will finally have a candidate they can depend on. If Jesus says it’s right, who are they to argue.

Campaign treasurer and fundraising director - Jon Stewart

Colbert needs his best and only Jewish friend in charge of his money. It’s only logical. Plus, with Stewart locked into working for Colbert, he can’t run against him as some kind of October surprise (yes, those can happen in December).

Scheduling coordinator - Bobby

Colbert’s skilled stage manager already has to make sure his lord and master is taken care of. Now he can do this all over the campaign, preparing Presidential candidate Colbert’s rooms and performances… I mean speeches.

Opposition research - Killer

A major part of Colbert’s campaign, I recommend the candidate employ extensive use of negative ads attacking the various other candidates for everything from misrepresenting their policy decisions to blatantly making up stuff. Killer, the Colbert Report’s resident demolitions expert would be a sure fire hit in this position.

Lawyers - the conservative Supreme Court justices

Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito might find it inappropriate to work for a political campaign, but Scalia and Thomas already set the precedent helping President Bush get into office after the election. Now they can start earlier. Let’s begin by knocking out some of those pesky constitutional amendments like equal rights. Those just get in the way of a good campaign.

Political consultants and advisors -

P.K. Winsome: He’s rich, black, and a Republican. Colbert may not be able to see race, but voters can. Winsome (who looks astonishingly like Tim Meadows of SNL) can bring in those African-American voters.

Captain America: Okay, so he might be currently dead, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Who could better bring in veterans and old people (the only people’s who’s vote matters) to Colbert’s wing? Wesley Clark’s a pussy next to Captain America. Wesley Clark ages. Captain America never has to.

Barry Manilow and Tony Bennett: They beat Colbert once. Now Colbert can never be beaten again!

Wilford Brimley - More old people. Can’t get enough of them on a campaign!

I certainly hope to see Dr. Stephen Colbert take my advice. I expect a finders fee for all these positions. I accept PayPal.