Government’s love losing. That’s the only way to explain the constant addition of Wars on _______ they keep launching. There’s the War on Poverty, War on Drugs, War on Terrorism, and the still ramping up War on Piracy which might soon be the legal responsibility of the executive branch. Since we have so much time and money to waste, I wanted to suggest some other wars that need to be fought. I’m sure with enough resources, we can wins these in a few hundred years.

7. Software bugs

An exciting new problems arrives, you install in, and quickly boot it up only to find out you have to type upside down to make it work. Publishers race their products to market with the piece of mind they can release patches at any time to fix bugs. It’s much more profitable to let other people pay to be your quality assurance team rather than pay one yourself.

Estimated cost to fight: $5 billion/year

Length of war: 75 years when computers become smart enough to conquer the world, but crashes after an automatic Windows update

6. Bathroom graffiti

The obsolete business model for dating services needs to be replaced by superior technology. Writing girl’s phone numbers or pictures of penises should be kept in controlled, safe environments like the World Wide Web. The last thing anyone wants to think about in the bathroom is how cool Dan is.

Estimated cost to fight: $200 million/year

Length of war: 50 years when we discover a safe way to hold it in

5. Wasting food

We’re in a food crisis people? You left seven strands of spaghetti - enough to feed a family of four in Zimbabwe for a week. We should start a mailing campaign. Instead of throwing out exceed food, mail it to a foreign country. Submissions can be tax deductible.

Estimated cost to fight: $2 billion/year

Length of war: 30 years when Willy Wonka’s 3-course dinner gum becomes a reality

4. Eating too much food

We’re in a food crisis people? You left only seven strands of spaghetti, after eating a whole pound - enough to feed the nation of Zimbabwe for a week. Obesity is a huge problem in the United States, from the health costs to growing more food. Education and shock treatment are the only choices.

Estimated cost to fight: $4 billion/year

Length of war: 150 years. Even with the gum, people will still eat too much of it

3. Reality TV

The need to see other people humiliated is older than elementary school recess. TV executives love reality TV not just because they get to abuse people and highlight their most intimate moments, but because it’s cheap and easy. And cheap and easy is bad, right?

Estimated cost to fight: $25 billion/year

Length of war: 20 years of subsidizing scripted television until YouTube buys all the networks and becomes MechaTube, Ruler of Video

2. Corporate greed

From oil to media, Corporate America seems to be the only ones doing well in the slumping economy. I guess that’s because they can always just lay people off in order to pay hundred million dollar bonuses to executives.

Estimated cost to fight: $50 billion/year to pay companies not to be greedy

Length of war: Hahahahahahaha

1. Laziness

Several generations of living with Lazy Boys has inspired Americans to be just that. We want TV to watch our kids and government to watch our TV while we sit on the couch for a nap. But laziness is costing the U.S. economy $5.2 trillion according to a study I just made up making it the greatest threat to economic prosperity. Fighting laziness is, of course, the greatest challenge since the people tasked to fight it are, coincidently, lazy.

Estimated cost to fight: Still to be determined

Length of war: When I wake up from my nap